[ more ]

i woke up half an hour ago from a dream.

i was waiting with a friend on a typologically brooklyn street. the street had a golden hue to it by way of light reflecting off of nearby buildings. like most of dreams the remarkable thing is the vividness of the reality, the fact that one is in reality and not dreaming. we were waiting for a second friend who had taken the metro north into the city from rochester and were going out to something. we were wearing the darkest blacks and high cowls as though we were preparing for a cold snap or admittance to a monastery.

at recognition of the heaviness of our fabrics i started flipping back and forth between the reality of this dream and the sense of another. a drowning dream. slipping under the water in a dark grey tinged ocean, it's surface churning like shattered glass. i was beneath an immense black painted nimitz class carrier. it struck me as familiar in a moments glance and as i tried to swim towards it i could only feel my arms move. my body below the surface was immobile.

then the street returned. alone now waiting. large hood and fingerless gloves. golden dharmakaya shimmering off the sides of nearby windows. seeing my breath float from the high scarf or collar at my face. looking for a street sign and whomever i was waiting for.

then drowning, choking, grasping. attempting to swim and swallowing water in an attempt to keep it out of my lungs. cramping and spitting.

then i was in neither.

i was sitting at a bar. there was a beer in my hand that smelled like cherries and as i turned my head right to gain my bearings there she was.

the instant i gained facial recognition i became twelve different kinds of afraid and acutely aware that i was in a dream. i slumped in my chair trying to not be seen but it became evident that i had just moved into a moment that was already occurring. i went into g-loc. out of body. observer and observed. every particle in the dream became aware of me. no words just silent graceless recognition.

then she waved in a friendly manner as if to snap me out of something. a single motion in recognition trying to break the weight of the aire in two with her bare hands as if it were basswood.

i was drowning in myself. in the dream. in the particles.

i was back at the bar. i had no more control trapped in g-loc orbit around the moment. she said things to me but nothing stuck as words. just the impression of disappointment. not in betrayal or scorn. not in my actions toward her. not in violence. not in my failures in past or my apprehension in this moment.

it was disappointment in what i had neglected to accomplish in two years gone by.
in that i could be doing more.

i woke up still but my eyes flipped open full and i said a sentence, without thought, that has been riding the back of my tongue like sick for months now.

"i can't keep on like this. there is more."

  • Current Music
    "love the way you lie" by eminem

[ cogeneration ]

My roommate Joe is moving away to pursue his doctorate doing research in architectural engineering. He has been a level headed sounding board, a great friend, a one man support system and a non-judgmental confidant. He's taking the road more difficult than work-a-day HVAC engineering and heading back into the wild world of research (where I'm sure we all wish we could be). I'm glad I got to share Gridlock with him and bond over Dismantled with him.

He and his partner Joy have been a cornerstone of my life for the last year. While I'm sad to have them leave my everyday life I'm happy for their future together and individually.

Somehow they both have been able to drink, stay out late, dance, travel and laugh until we were rolling on the floor together with me even with knowledge of my past. I hope their common sense rubbed off on me and I can't wait to see them again.
  • Current Music
    "Plasticity" by Front Line Assembly

[ death self ]

Consequently, they decided to form a collective being called “the other”, and spoke of themselves as parts of a “two-headed body”. Marina Abramović stated "The main problem in this relationship was what to do with the two artists' egos. I had to find out how to put my ego down, as did he, to create something like a hermaphroditic state of being that we called the death self." The product of this search for the death of ego, or the "death self," was a piece in which Abramović and her longtime partner Ulay exchanged breath for seventeen minutes, inhaling and exhaling each other's very breath and being, until they collapsed on the floor from lack of oxygen.
  • Current Music
    "I Don't Want To Be The One" by Coil

[ finding analogs ]

So I uh, have a tumblr.

I've been keeping it up to date with recent ephemera and things of my personal interest for just over half a year now. Not always cutting edge but at least three months ahead built up. Surf the net for those perfect little things that adhere to a shared aesthetic now lost, you tend to dig deep and find it in the dark corners of the net. It's nice to own part of myself again even if it is through a reflection of the things I enjoy.

  • Current Music
    "Wintermute" by Candlenine

[ voight-kampff ]

Consequences, if I'm wiling to accept and learn from them, become the board and the lessons come in as waves. Manageable, understandable and I can ride them to the beach again and again. I feel safe right now and less insecure. I feel like I have nothing but time to get it right. I enjoy the analysis and picking apart to learn this.

Demolishing old structures and letting new scaffolding take their place, like the Lebbeus Woods I quoted a few months ago on here. Two years analog wave riding. It's nice to think of the mind rather than the brain. It's nice to know I haven't "pushed the pencil in" my brain once for the sake of getting better and fixing it. My case worker looked at me dead in the eyes and said, you will probably not have another relationship as fervent as this past one. In some ways, a blessing. In others an complete loss. I'm glad I can see both factors clearly and take them for what they are to me.

Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I tell any of you this. Livejournal seems to be the last conduit that the exhibitionist in me has to lay myself out. Most of it I've kept off in an anonymous blog for the last year but I guess I just am learning to enjoy introversion more and I've been clearer in these past few entries with what's gone on than I have been ever. It's the clarity of being able to think on it without anger, assumption, force, fright or insecurity.

I continue to look forward to the new tour in the fall and everything about it. I'll be back to NYC soon enough but this time I'm going back when I'm ready. It feels so pure to say that. Instead of being told where I should go or feel guilty about making a choice, I'm enjoying choosing and weighing. Calculating risk and cost but not letting it get in the way of doing.

Liis gave me some compassionate and honest ideas just under a year ago in a few messages. The simplest of these became the strongest.

"when you leave your Ego behind,
only then you will find yourself."

Her word's have become so intensely true and it's so great to arrive at the real knowledge of this truth, not just the idea that it is.

driving from home after the funerals

  • Current Music
    "noise 01 (reprise)" by worriedaboutsatan from the SIMILO soundtrack

(no subject)

Never discount people as 'simple' based on their inability or hinderance at displaying or describing the complexity of their emotions. We are all more than the secondary tier of R.S.I. we share with others. We have a primary tier of emotions. They are all fragile and crystalline in that they are multifaceted. It would be a mistake to discount people as not complex when in reality we all are.

"In a time of anger or despair, even if we feel overwhelmed, our love is still there. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Traveling on tour with my amazing friends Shikhee and Chris has been life affirming to a degree. Working on Android Lust is worthwhile work in something I support. A karmic gift I have to fight to repay in my life. The travel I've done with them, the places I've seen and shows put on with them have given me amazing perspective.

I've been to the desert and fallen in love with it. My face was clear. My perspective was wide.

I look forward to the fall tour.

  • Current Music
    "Gnosis" by Ulver

(no subject)

spring is here bitches,
i'm reading baudelaire, thich nhat hanh and henry miller this month.

"The scar is a deeper level of reconstruction that fuses the new and the old, reconciling, coalescing them, without compromising either one in the name of some contextual form of unity. The scar is a mark of pride and of honor, both for what has been lost and what has been gained. It cannot be erased, except by the most cosmetic means. It cannot be elevated beyond what it is, a mutant tissue, the precursor of unpredictable regenerations. To accept the scar is to accept existence. Healing is not an illusory, cosmetic process, but something that -by articulating differences- both deeply divides and joins together." - Lebbeus Woods, experimental architect

Truths like these articulated perfectly make progression viable, even though in solitary.

  • Current Music
    "I'm Not Driving Anymore" by Rob Dougan

(no subject)

r: you can't reason your way out of this!
n: why not? why can't i?
r: because your mind is where the problem is in the first place!
  • Current Music
    "The Rejected Lover" by Unwoman